I.T. Guy/Script
''Opening Sequence'' :Jake: You're watching Jake and Amir. :Amir: Aw don't talk to them like they're babies. :Jake: I'm not. :Amir: Yeah you're spoonfeeding them. Episode :(I.T. Guy is working at Jake's computer with Jake sitting beside him) :Amir: I could fix this problem in three seconds, and this fool's gonna take three hours. I'm serious. I could fix this problem in three seconds, and this fools gonna take three hours...? To f—to fix it...? I could fix— :Jake: Shut up, dude! You can't fix any problem, computer-related or not, in three seconds, so just stop talking. :Amir: Wow, pussywhipped much. :Jake: What? :Amir: I'm fucking with you. Okay, relax man. You gotta learn how to chill out. I'm serious, if words piss you off this much, you have a seriously psychological problems. :Jake: I have a seriously psychological problems? :Amir: Yeah. :Jake: You have a problem too, you can't talk. :Amir: I'm not keedin man, you should look at—check it out. I'm not keedin. :Jake: You know what, you poured Applejacks and milk all over my computer. Okay, all of my files might be erased. :Amir: Might be! Might be! And you're pissed at me like they are! I'm serious, if words piss you off this much— :Jake: Words didn't piss me off at all! You did! You and your Applejacks! :Amir: Don't blame the Applejacks, like they did anything. :Jake: I'm not blaming them, I'm blaming you. :Amir: I don't deserve the silent treatment. :Jake: I'm not giving you the silent treatment, I'm talking to you. :Amir: You're yelling at me! :Jake: Still! Then it's not the silent treatment, right? So you were wrong when you said that. :Amir: I'm sorry, King Dork is taking way too long. I gotta go over there and like harrass this asshole or something. :(Amir comes over to Jake's desk) :Jake: No, ya don't. Hey, stop! :Amir: Hey! King Dork! Bet you're happy this is a computer problem and not a date, because you have nothing to offer a woman. I bet you have no hobbies. :I.T. Guy: I like swimming. :Amir: Holy shit the King Dork speaks! And he has the worst hobby of all time! (Shuts his eyes for a few seconds) Biking! :Jake: He said swimming. Try to listen. Okay, what hobbies do you have? :Amir: Not really a hobby but I've been pretty into Craisins recently. You know, cranberry raisins. :Jake: You're right, that's not a hobby. :Amir: Hey, Bi''king'' Dork! You know what I bet you like to do? :I.T. Guy: Your mom? :Amir: Low blow. You... FUCKING ASSHOLE! :Jake: Hey hey hey, relax! :Amir: What! This guy comes in here with that—that that that poison to my ears?! Starts talking about RAPING my MOTHER?! :Jake: Yo, chill out! He didn't say that! :Amir: You vile, vile little man, with your acid tongue. You serpent! Poisoning my mind's eye! :Jake: You're crying right now? You just—you were making fun of him! You started this, you called him King Dork! :Amir: I can't process this right now, I can't deal with this right now! :Jake: You know what, 30 seconds ago you said if words piss you off this much then you have serious psychological problems. :Amir: I was keedin. :Jake: You're not—you weren't keedin! You said right after, you said "I'm not keedin." :Amir: I was keedin. :I.T. Guy: Alright, should be good. :(I.T. Guy walks away) :Jake: Thanks man. :Amir: You think he meant that? That jab about my old lady? :Jake: No. :Amir: Yeah right. He said it so quick, he didn't even bat an eyelash. :Jake: You're not intuitive. :Amir: If he's King Dork, then I'm Prince Nerd, and... I'm ready to accept that. (To I.T. Guy) Dad come back! I'm ready to love again, I'm sorry! :I.T. Guy: Fuck you!